Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
