the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
