I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
