he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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