Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
