if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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