I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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