david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
