i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
