i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
