My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize