With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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