i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
