I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
