ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
