I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
