When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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