Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
