Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
