I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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