I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
