Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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