the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
