I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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