btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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