Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she told me i tasted like america
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
