Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
