Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
