i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
