NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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