True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize