I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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