im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
