it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
