also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
