I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it hurts more in the daytime
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
