Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
