My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
