My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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