i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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