U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
