roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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