he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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