You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
