Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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