So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
