I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
