I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
