I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize