Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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