I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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