you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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