The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
