I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
