So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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