I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
