I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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