Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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