If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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