He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
