I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
