I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize