Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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